Judge Not
Lest Ye Be Forced to Look in the Mirror
A recent conversation with someone sparked this article. She is a dedicated, smart, hardworking woman who lacks the self-esteem and confidence she needs to reach her life goals, and really doesn’t seem to know why, or how to get past it. She blamed this on feeling judged by others.
This post is dedicated to her and to all the other people getting in their own way and impeding their own achievement. Others can say and think whatever they want, and they will; but that doesn’t mean you have to listen.
Who Are These Judges, Anyway?
There are two types of people that judge others: the insecure and the self-confident.
The self-confident judge-y types wield their assurance and self-esteem like a cudgel cutting down everyone in their way. To them, the top of the mountain is theirs by right or by fight; and they will seek out the weakness of others to use against them, to prevent them from trying to climb up and unseat the one at the top.
The insecure ones may actually be more dangerous. They hide their own weakness and fear behind a curtain of bullying and false confidence. More than the King or Queen of the Mountain types, the insecure ones are working overtime tearing others down so the spotlight doesn’t shine on them and expose them to ridicule.
But the real question to me, which is directed to people who take being judged so deeply personally, it gets in their way of success and achievement no matter how dedicated and hard-working they are, is:
Why the Fuck Do You Care What People Think of You?
Here’s the truth: There will always be people judging you. ALWAYS.
If you succeed, somebody out there, maybe a lot of somebodies, will think you’re an ass kisser or a social climber or had it easy or are a terrible person who, especially if you’re a woman, neglects other people in order to get what you want.
If you fail, you face the sneers, the I told you so, the failure-to-launch crowd who say things like, “That’s why I don’t bother. We are always going to be bottom feeders, just accept that and you’ll be happy.”
So, why give these self-appointed judges any oxygen? Why spend one precious moment of your life concerned with someone else’s opinion of you? Why give them power over you?
You literally hold the key to self-actualization in your hot little hardworking hand. Self-actualization is a term coined by Abraham Maslow and describes the effort people make to find peace with themselves, to feel the level of achievement that each of us needs. Notice in the diagram below that one step below the top is self-esteem. And a lot of us stop there on the way up, get stuck and caught at that level and never push past it to find that peace.
Some get stuck at the level of not feeling like they belong, like they have people, like they are part of a tribe. This can keep us from reaching a high enough stage of self-esteem to propel ourselves to that top tier. If you look carefully at this diagram and give it some thought, you will find yourself on its continuum somewhere. I hope you’re at, or approaching, that pretty orange peak; the weather is fine up here.
It May Be a Long Road, But It’s Worth It
Some of us have a lot of work to do to overcome lifelong emotional trauma, of being told repeatedly from a young age, You’re nothing and you’ll always be nothing. I speak from experience. But for some reason, I always knew that was dead wrong; and instead of tearing me down, it just made me really mad. It took effort, time and therapy to turn off and throw out those destructive tapes I had on repeat-loop in my head; but I knew from a young age, in spite of these messages to the opposite, that I was going somewhere.
Here’s my high school yearbook picture; the caption proves I’m not making this up. And I have spent my life showing those people they were wrong and ha!
You can do it. You should do it. You will do it. Just do it.
I really hope that those who allow the judgement of others to impede them on their way to reaching personal goals will read this article and say to themselves, “Yeah, why the hell am I letting this shit in? Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
Go get ’em, Tiger!