“Adversity Doesn’t Build Character, It Reveals It”
-James Lane Allen
Is this true? It makes me wonder whether difficult times shape us or expose our true nature when they happen. Do we learn to be resilient through tough experiences, or are we born with that ability and tough experiences bring it out?
The psychology field has been studying and debating this for a long time. I don’t purport to be smarter than them and so won’t be attempting to give a definitive answer. As usual in these articles I pen, I will be giving you Maureen’s dime store version of an answer. Take it for what it’s worth.
Shit Happens
That’s a fact that predates this 1980’s phrase and will still be a fact long after I’m gone. The saying became popular because it offered a humorous way to deal with the curve balls we all face, using an oopsy word that would have cost some of us a dollar for the swear jar. It was kind of a delicious and satisfying statement that encompasses the negative emotions one feels when facing adversity, at the same time reminding us that if it’s not the end of the world, we need to deal and move on.
In the 90’s Forrest Gump popularized it even more. Remember that scene from the movie? An admirer of Forrest asks him for an inspirational bumper sticker idea and at that moment, Forrest steps in a pile of dog poo and says, “It happens.” The guy becomes an instant millionaire. In the late nineties, the poop emoji was invented (in Japan, ten years before we started using it here) and it quickly replaced the word in that phrase. Your pop trivia lesson for the day.
I’d love to see a survey from those days asking if it helped. When something bad or annoying happened and people shrugged and said, “Shit happens,” did that actually assuage the emotion and help them move on? Because if it did, that would be a tick mark on the “It can be learned” side of my chart.
That begs the question then, because if you’ve read any of my other stuff you know one question leads to many more, does the level of adversity matter when it pertains to resilience? Can you learn to shrug off little things that used to bother you, while big things still cause you to fold like a bad poker hand?
I think little everyday annoyances just begin to bother us less as we age anyway, and so we may naturally come to chalk those off when they occur. I’m not sure that qualifies as learned behavior though. Maybe it’s the aging brain’s way of protecting itself for the long haul. Sounds like another article I need to write.
What About When Big Shit Happens?
I guess my original thought about that quote is more geared to life-altering events that make you want to crawl under the covers for eternity. And I want to make a true confession: This whole subject came to mind due to some conversations with a psychologist about my own personal history and how I have gotten out from behind some Big Shit and thrived in spite of it. She has dedicated her graduate work and career to answering whether she can help some emotionally hurting patients learn to move beyond their Big Shit and have a happy, fulfilling life. She asked me whether I thought I was born resilient. Well damn, I thought, that’s a very good question. And now, once again, I’m writing my way to meaning and taking you along with me.
In order to try to understand this, I think about my own family. Both of my grandmothers had to start lives all over in new countries, doing work and living a life they would not have chosen. I have always thought of them as the strongest people I know, have always been inspired and not a little intimidated by their strength and continue to strive to be like them. So, is my resilience a birthright; and if so, I have to wonder where they got it from. Who passed that trait on down to them and then on to me? Could be a really good story there, but maybe we all learned it by watching our ancestors demonstrate resolve.
It’s common for people to say things like my son is just like his father, so organized and helpful. Character traits seem to be so clearly inherited. A great example of this is the twin study where babies separated at birth still had similar behaviors. Is resilience any different? Oh damn, if we follow that line of thinking, we’re back to the endless nature/nurture debate.
What I Want to Believe, Whether it’s True or Not
I’m hoping everyone is born with the potential to be resilient. Babies and small children seem to be mostly on the same path of learning about the world around them through their senses. If they get an ouchie when they touch a cactus, they learn to admire the prickly plants with their eyes or use a stick to explore them. And when they see a thorn bush, they transfer that knowledge to avoid more pain. They don’t curl into a ball for hours after the initial puncture. As they get older and the ouchies get bigger, that’s when resilience either develops or stagnates. That’s when, I think, the environment plays a part.
Here’s an anecdotal example: A friend rides her bike to the playground with her two-year-old in a seat on the back. While going down the slide, he falls and slices a flap of skin off his forehead so badly it hangs over one eye. She calmly says something like, “Oopsy, you got a boo boo. Let’s go see the doctor and get you all fixed up.” Baby barely cries and sits on the bike seat with a tee shirt wrapped around his forehead. They get to the hospital where the nurse says something like, “Let’s see what’s under that little bandage,” unwraps it and lets out a scream. Baby instantly falls apart, joins her screaming and is inconsolable for an hour. He was so very resilient until the nurse’s reaction scared him and then he fell apart.
Examples of perseverance abound all around us. The survivors of horrendous accidents who have to learn to talk and walk again; the rebuilding that takes place after a tornado and sometimes after a second tornado hits the same neighborhood; and the unfathomable way parents are able to keep living after the loss of a child. People, of course, react differently to devastating events, but the news media usually shows us those who, although distraught, pledge to show strength and go on and even help others do the same.
I wonder what happens to those who say, “I quit.” I assume they find a new path, maybe with some therapy or guidance. That, too, shows resilience albeit in a different way.
So, here it is: We all have some degree of ability to persevere when shit happens, though some have more than others. Resilience looks different for each of us and depends on the circumstance, our personal history with tough situations, and our options. I think in important ways James Lane Allen is wrong. I think the way you handle adversity reveals a lot about you, but having to deal with it helps you prepare for dealing better the next time.
JFK’s father said, “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.” I think most of us can relate. I think the majority of us have more steel in our backbones than Mr. Allen gives us credit for. And maybe more than we give ourselves credit for, too.